


Crashed into a wall

by Lenasjk



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Steve Rogers is not a team player, Steve is a little bit mean, and kinda drunk, but also not really?, but not really???, like... he only cares about Bucky, which is not nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 05:15:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10529670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenasjk/pseuds/Lenasjk
Summary: Natasha and Steve's talk in Wakanda about Bucky.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post: http://tsuki-chibi.tumblr.com/post/159123918049/queenyavengers-bitterfriends

Natasha was standing on the balcony in one of Wakanda's lab department. She wondered if she made a right call. Was it all worth it? Was it all worth it when Barnes still decided to get back to fucking sleep? She wanted to find Steve, hit him and make him answer. But she didn't. She knew the truth and she didn't want to hear it. 

The truth hurt. 

Stark was back at Avanger's Tower licking his wounds. He had a lot of them. She should be with him and try to make amends with him, but at the same time she was too ashamed to show up there. Fucking Steve. He was his friend, one of the few she had. He made her question everything she believed in and not in good way. It was no about good and evil anymore. It was about good and good. Evil verus evil. There was no good answers. For the first time in a long time Natasha felt defeated.

*

She coulnd't tell how long she was standing there, on the balcony before Steve joined her. For awhile he was just standing next to her, trying to look small, harmless. Natasha shook her head. Steve may had been small once, but she doubted he ever was harmless.

"Do you hate me?" he finally broke the silence.

"Should I?"

"Yes."

"Why?" She kept her eyes on him, but he avoided her gaze. "Why, Steve?" 

He finally looked at her. "I love you, Nat. I do. You are my friend. And I love Sam. But..." his gaze wondered.

"But Barnes is the anchor of your past? The link to your old life?"

"No," the answer was quick. "He is not that. He is my life."

"You - we all - thought he died in servies. And yes, it may've been for you just few years when for us it was almost hundred, but he wasn't part of your life and especially not your life for a very long time." Steve laughed. Natasha didn't find is amusing. 

"You are wrong," he turned towards her. "Bucky's been my whole world since I met him when I was seven. Since that moment he became _everything_ to me. I lived just for him. I fought just for him. He was a reason behind everything. For fuck's sake, Nat. I got my revenage for him and then crashed a place into an ocean. You know I didn't have to. There is ton of reaserch on this and I'm not stupid little soldier. I knew I could have saved myself. But I didn't have a reason to fight anymore."

"What about Peggy? You loved her."

He smiled sadly at her and in that moment, just for a second he did look his age. "I loved her, yes. I think she was the only woman I could imagine my life with. But only with Bucky on my side. We had this whole plan figured it out, you know? The three of us. Peggy loved me, I loved her. And Bucky... Bucky was willing to suffer in silence if that meant we could be together. Peggy knew about us. Since the beginning, really. She was a smart girl and I was a fool who would sooner die for my best friend without ever getting to him than accepting his death. And in the end I did just that. I accepted his death and then died myself."

"It's all very touching, Steve, but you expose us all! Wanda, Clint, Scott - their fucking families! For what?! For a man you once knew and loved? He's not the same person. I'm sorry, Steve. I knew him too. But he is not the man we knew." 

"But can't you see, Nat? I don't care!" Steve looked despereted, "I will choose him. Always. 'Till the end of the line, we promised. He would do the same for me."

"What the fuck does it even mean? 'Till the end of the line?" she asked harshly. 

"It's... I-Fuck. It's stupid. You know I was sick. A lot. You read my file," she nodded even though Steve seemed to be far away, lost in his memories. "I-I was getting back from school, I was maybe thirteen, I can't remember. I had a fever and somehow got into the train. I would've probably left at some point, but that day Bucky finished early and came to pick me up. He yelled at me, but I didn't even hear him, just got on the train. He was right behind me, of course," Steve smiled gently. "I had a fever, can't remember shit of that day, really. Bucky said I barely talked with him, just kept repeating I didn't want to leave the train. So... So he said he's gonna stick with me till the end of the line. That I remembered. So then, when I was healthy - or at least as healthy as I could be - Bucky said I can't do this anymore, that I'm gonna give him white hair before he's 30th birthday. And I got defensive, saying he's not my moher, he doesn't have to stay with me. He punched me. Said he promised he's gonna stay with me 'till the end of the line and I better promise him this too. I did."

"Steve, you were kids. And... and even if you two were together once that doesn't mean-"

"You still don't get it, do you? Nat, I would sacrifice every single person in this and other worlds if that meant I could keep Bucky Barnes alive and well. I would do it in a hearbeat." 

Natasha just stared at him. For a moment she couldn't find the words nor even breath to say anything. But then she spoke, "Thank you. For your honesty," then she turned towards door from the balcony. Before the final step she looked back, "Steve? I don't hate you. I want to. There is a man out there for whom I would do _almost_ anything, but at the same time I know that if I had to choose between him and everyone else... Well, let's say I also wouldn't hesitate either. I envy you, truly. You are still my friend, Steve and what you said will stay between us only. But I hope you understand why I think you are compromised and cannot be trusted."

Natasha expected another sad smile, but Steve send her a happy smirk, "Sure thing, Nat. But I hope _you_ do know that if that's a price I have to pay for him being safe, then I dare to say I'm not losing anything."

Natasha finally left a balcony with a smile on her own.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> Feel free to call me out on any mistakes, I never second read my stuff.


End file.
